Thursday, February 6, 2014

what is trust?

The definition of trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

But does that even mean anything anymore? Not very likely. Does anyone know what trust even means anymore? Nope. If you had a red flag so to speak... or an inkling feeling that someone was up to no good, would you "investigate," persay? Even if you are married? Here is my situation...
I married my husband.  I love him more than ANYTHING in the entire world. However... the past few months have been a hot mess to put it lightly. He's just ...something is not right anymore. I have to beg him for a kiss goodnight, he never says "I love you," unless I say it first. And if he does say it, it's with a rushed attitude like he feels force. Our sex life is lacking. Maybe once every few weeks maybe a month. And when we have sex it's not like how it used to be, it feels like I am in a porn. Where its BANG just get it over with.  He hasn't called me or complimented me since we got married over a year ago. I have confronted him several times and asked him if he is still in love with me and he says he is..then I ask what is wrong he won't answer.

Lately he has been hiding a lot. Anytime I ask "who are you talking to," he says "no one." But it's clearly a lie. I am not stupid. He thinks I have no idea what is going on. I know his heart isn't with me anymore, but he doesn't want a divorce? Well neither do I. but I feel like I am living in a fairy tale and am in severe denial. Last time we got into it, well a fight, he called me a pathetic high school girl. Mind you, I am 26 years old. He says he does not have feelings for any other woman. Yet he acts like I am just one of the guys. I just wish he would tell me the truth. I'd rather him be honest with me, and if I am just over thinking it I wish he would meet me half way. I am sick of being second best to everyone.

I may not work, but he knows why I have not been able to find a job. I go to school full-time, keep a clean house, and use my VA benefits to pay the bills and help with groceries and anything he wants. But it is still not enough. It is never good enough. I get shafted. I am constantly trying everything I can to make him happy and keep him close but for some reason I feel like he is running further and further away...